It seems to me that point (7) won’t really work without point 2.

And thanks for mentioning repentance. That’s one I definitely missed. #2 sort of implies repentance, but it should be specifically mentioned.

9. Be willing to repent, to admit you’re wrong, to ask your spouse for forgiveness, be willing to change.

On forgiveness, I wonder if the western world has made child porn the unforgivable sin? Rather than categorically state that being caught like that is entirely reasonable grounds for divorce, it might be much better to consider whether the ‘sinner’ is repentant and seeking forgiveness. Unforgiveness and unrepentance are the destroyer of marriage.

And on ‘not going to sleep angry’, it’s a principle instead of a law. Marc – if you and Dixie can wake up next morning and laugh about it then you’re a lucky and highly unusual couple. For many it builds in a pattern of separation and acceptance of failure to forgive and repent. I’m not at all sure we’d still be married if I took the advice of line 7.

In 1.5 months it will be 27 years for us.

Probably the most difficult time for us was after Sarah Died. Not arguments etc, but the desire to get away from the pain, to start fresh was strong and for me, a little unexpected.

The intention of my comment was just to highlight that I feel like I have been naively skipping along through life feeling like there is no problem so huge that a marriage couldn’t survive it (even adultery). I had just never considered the shock of finding out your husband collects child pornography.

I agree – both people have to have the same willingness to work at it. my ex did not. I could give example after example of his total unwillingness to even try. he was so, so angry at me. he couldn’t even really explain why he was angry. he does not know what forgiveness is, and he loves placing blame – two things I could never, ever overcome.

watching my dad fight leukemia last year, I learned the meaning of forgiveness. my dad isn’t perfect – nobody is – and my parents made lots of mistakes with us kids. they were really young (only 20) when they had my older sister. I spent countless hours in that hospital and I had a lot of time to think. I absolutely forgive my parents for the mistakes they made. they were so young, and parenting is hard, and they did their best.

I haven’t been able to forgive my sister for the state of our relationship, though. I’m not sure how to forgive someone who makes no attempt to be even somewhat kind to me. my parents, at least, tried.

Jyl: I certainly don’t want to downplay some of the horrible things that will (legitimately?) break up marriages.

However, I do believe that forgiveness and healing can happen. That certainly doesn’t mean that the pain and sadness will disappear or that the horror will be forgotten, but that people move forward together in forgiveness in spite of that pain. I’ve seen it happen.

I’m not a marriage counselor or any sort of marriage expert, but I think the decisive factor seems to be willingness in both partners to work at it—it requires #2 and #3 in both partners. I can’t imagine that it would be easy and it probably seems downright realistic, but I believe and I hope—I have to—that forgiveness is possible.