I will diminish

‘I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel.’ – The Fellowship of the Ring

There are few things I desire more than to write–here, at least.  And yet these days I have little to say, little energy/will to say it, and, it feels, even less ability to say it.  I just don’t have the strength to bend my mind to writing.  Lack of discipline, probably.  Story of my life.

At the same time, Dixie is blossoming in her writing–her blog has more depth and more poetry each day, it seems.

My malaise will pass, I hope.  I have the desire, just not the will, if that makes any sense.

By the way: they say you’re not supposed to blog about not wanting to blog or not having anything to say.  Swim against the stream, that’s what I always say.  Stick it to the Blogging Man, is my motto.

* * *

Right now I’m a bit overwhelmed by the amount of information that has been presented in this course on 600 years of church history.  I will not retain much of it and that depresses me: all this money and time and effort and much of it will be forgotten.  My high school chemistry teacher said that he learned (or, rather, re-learned) everything on the job.  But you don’t re-learn church history on the job being a pastor.

It’s the same with books.  Sometimes it seems like I forget what I read as soon as I turn the page.  Stupid memory.

It’s an issue of self-discipline and application again, I guess.  I don’t apply myself as much as perhaps I should.  I did well in school, but I was never studious–like the girls who would have notepads dedicated to listing their homework for the night, who would be working on their papers within days of receiving the syllabus and who took copious notes on anything from which notes could be taken.

Am I just lazy?

I count on this–in this I hope–that in reading and studying and learning I am somehow changed, even if just a little, in a way that will benefit me in unseen ways down the road.  I may never make a conscious connection between my study of Theodore of Mopsuestia and a future argument about some insignificant church issue, but I trust it will be there.

I hope, in other words, that I will somehow benefit from this course (and all others), even if I don’t remember the facts.

Is that just an excuse for laziness or lack of application?

3 thoughts on “I will diminish

  1. Ky

    I barely remember courses after I’ve taken them, either. But I know I’ve learned from them all the same.

    Trust that you’re benefiting. And that you’ll remember things when you need to.

  2. Toni

    Saturday we had a 9-5 day of pastoral training. We worked more through Ps23 on pastoral theology, we had a professional clinical psychologist come to talk to us about depression and we had 3 hours about parenting.

    I mostly remember a small excerpt from the pastoral theology, because it was pertinent and important (to me, at least). Chances are you’ll forget the guff, and I’m SURE there’s a lot of guff, and remember the key bits.

  3. Linea

    I like what you say about the course changing you. I’m sure it will in ways that are maybe too subtle to notice. Kind of like putting something into the stew that blends so that you don’t notice it as a discrete element but that if it were missing, the stew would be lacking in some essential flavour.

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